My heart hurts....

Its just so heavy right now and I feel like I'm loosing hope in anything and everything these days. There is just so much going on in my life and at work, my head in is a whirlwind.

As I've posted about before, my step-brother Mike is awaiting final word on Monday as to whether he will go through with a stem cell transplant that was planned for the beginning of March. This next week he is scheduled to get plasma apheresis (kind of like dialysis) everyday to harvest his own cells that would be treated with a bit of chemo and then given back to him. However, he has had more symptoms and evidence that the chemo he has been recieving (even the SUPER high doses) have not been working enough to make the stem cell transplant possible or a viable option. If this is true...well....I don't want to even go there, but there are very limited to no options left. I'm sick thinking about it. I want so badly to feel hopeful and optimistic, and I try, but I'm just so afraid. I feel like I'm on the verge of loosing my mind.

THEN...yesterday (Saturday) afternoon I went to pick up the kids from the babysitter and she had just gotten a phone call as I walked in the door. I could immediately tell it was NOT good news and could tell she was talking to Marni, the mom of two other little kids that she watches in her home daycare. We overlap times a bit with this family and in fact they, or rather the husband Josh had called me about a year ago to check refereces for the sitter. He was usually the one to pick up and drop off the young boys (ages 2 and 1). Well yesterday morning he suddenly died. DIED!! He had a history of cancer that he was still recieving some treatments for, but was totally functional, working, and otherwise quite healthy. I don't know any of the details, but I cannot stop thinking about it. It is awful, and I feel so bad for the poor little kids who were so well cared for and loved by their daddy. And for my sitter....I left her sobbing, and then her son started sobbing. If you could pray for Marni, Gabe and Jacob and their family/friends, I know they could use it.

So anyway, I'm just so sick of cancer, and people dying right now, I can't take anymore!! In a few days its the anniversary of my friend Sue's death ( and I've been thinking a lot about her lately too. So thats my depressing sad post for today. Virtual hugs will be gladly accepted ;).

Free food and some fun....

I'm just going to start off complaining because I have had a horrible headache all day thats only getting worse and worse. Ugh. I think its muscle/tension related, which is not new for me, but I've been lucky to NOT have major issues for many months now. All day I've been thinking "Oh it must be because I haven't had any or enough caffeine yet" or "maybe I need to eat something". However, despite my indulgences in M. Dew and plenty of food...the headache persists. Its a good thing I have a few good things to snack on though right!

That makes a nice transition into my next "topic" about the WONDERFUL prize (I freaking WON a prize) during the fun filled Carnival Week of Bloggy Givaways. Click the link to get the info on the next one. I seriously never win anything and of handful of giveaways that I entered I think I got the one I most hoped to win!! It was a big box of 100 calorie Little Debbie snacks from Mel at "A Box of Chocolates". Well...it just arrived yesterday. I was gone all day so I didn't get it till last night, so the kids and I had our "bedtime snack" from the new selection of treats!!




In other news: Miss E had "Elegant Day" last week which included square-like dancing in gym and many other prim and proper etiquette lessons. It was very cute. On that same day they exchanged Valentines and had other special things going on too. Today they celebrated the 100th day of school. (I think it was technically a few days off, but no one is really counting). This morning I made 50 pancakes so each of the kids in her class could put two pancakes next to a sausage link to make a breakfast "100". Pretty nifty eh?!! Actually I made close to 70 since the fam ate a few and I stuck about 10 in the fridge for the rest of the week. There will hopefully be more to blog about later this week as Miss E is on Winter Break after tomorrow afternoon. Usually she goes in the afternoon, but tomorrow I have to have her to school by 8am. Seriously!! How do people do that?!?! I am SOOO not a morning person. I have an awful feeling I will sleep right through till after 8. Well...I guess thats my cue to go set my alarm before I forget. Goodnight!!

Because I'm so warped and twisted...

I couldn't resist....

This was formed from the dripping water off the roof. A reverse icicle. My kids thought it was really neat. I thought it looked like a phallic ice sculpture right by the front door. DH was embarrassed to have his friends see it. I tried to form snowballs around it, but alas, it was just not good packing snow.






Hey...I told you I was warped and twisted.

Spring tease...

The weather has warmed up just enough the past few days to melt quite a bit of the ice and snow. Although don't be fooled, its still a bit cold out there! I think its around 40* right now. Tomorrow however, is supposed to be in the FIFTIES!! The 50's people!! It hasn't been that warm here since...since...so long I can't remember. Probably early November. Last week we even had a small handful of days with bright happy sunshine!! Today is pretty cloudy ho-hum, but at least God is giving us a little taste of spring to keep us going....I just hope its not TOO long.

Oh that reminds me...the cat snuck out, when he realized the snow on the front porch was gone. I should probably go let him back in since its a bit chilly. I'm surprised he's not meowing out there. Here kitty, kitty....

I just downloaded a ton of pictures off BOTH my camera's so I'm hoping to get around to posting some later tonight (I might put them over in the photoblog too). Here's a sampler- the sun melting the icicles off the roof overhang.

My little girl is SIX today!!!

I've waited all night to post this at the time she was born. On Jan 30th 2003, my little girl was born at 1:50am. She was 6lbs 11oz and wide awake and healthy. It was such an amazing and wonderful feeling. Six years later I continue to be amazed at how much she grows and changes each day. The last year especially she has gotten so tall and her face so much more mature looking. She is amazingly beautiful, and I don't just say that because I'm biased. She has such a good heart as well. Even thought she sometimes struggles with difficult emotions for me to deal with as a mom, underneath I know most times she just wants more attention and to be reassured she is well loved. She is always excited to have "Girl Time" with me even if its only a few moments a day. Elise is into your pretty typical "girly" things right now; loves to have her nails painted, play with dolls and stuffed animals, etc...

At school she is thriving. I am floored, seriously in awe of how much she has learned and grown academically the past few months. She's gone from sounding out letters to truly reading. Its an amazing thing to hear her read aloud. It also really makes it hit home how fast she is growing up and changing. Its scary (for me). I feel like up to now she has been fairly safely under my wing, but she is starting to get brave and fly farther from home, experiencing more of the world and other people. I understand just a wee little bit of how veteran moms claim the worrying when they are truly little ones, is the easy part. Worrying when they are away or about how the "outside" world and people may affect them (or hurt them), is worse.

Well, I could ramble on about how guilty I feel that she has to go to a babysitter tonight (Friday) because both DH and I work, but it should be fine and we will celebrate earlier in the day and then on Sat too!! So I'm not gonna cry about it! Instead I'll post links to the cute things I bought her for her birthday presents.

I couldn't resist this PERFECT one:


And then this too (both are by Melissa & Doug):


And then this guitar. It was supposed to be a Christmas present, but the kids will each get one as a Birthday present instead.


I hope she will feel special and have a great day!! And I will try to pretend that I'm not old enough to have a SIX year old. :)

OMG I have a blog...

I nearly forgot! Ok, ok, I didn't forget. I just never get around to updating and blogging on a regular basis. I think I'm just intimidated by all the "cool" blogs out there and feel lame to just come here and ramble about my ho-hum, nothing interesting days. That and I just lack the energy. When the kids are finally in bed, I'm usually on the couch, under a blanket zoning out to stupid television shows.

Lets see, whats new. A little over a week ago now, I took a road trip with my Dad and step-mom to see my step-brother Mike while he was in the hospital for 3.25 days getting his chemo. It was good to see him and spend time with the family. My sisters were there for one whole day too but then they ditched me (long story but they had to get back home). So all of Sunday and Monday, including the trip home I kinda felt like I was 12yrs old again, stuck hanging out with my parents with no hope of getting away. I should've used some of that time just sitting around the hospital room to blog, but my own laptop was not working so I was just borrowing my parents for quick FB and email checks. There was a good amount of driving back seat riding involved and I swear I had jet-lag like symptoms even though it was all car travel within the same time zone. I was hoping for a tad bit more vacation like fun included in my rare time away from the kids, but it turned out to be just pretty straightforward hotel-to-hospital-back to-hotel time. No stops for ANYTHING, not even a wine cooler. Sheesh!! But it was good, don't get me wrong.

It was AWESOME to see Mike doing so well and in relatively good health. He'll be going to Cleveland Clinic soon for stem-cell transplants and will need a LOT of prayers and good vibes to get through all this.

The kids are fantabulous. Tomorrow E has her very first school program. She is the *farmers wife* and her line is: "I suppose a Turnip souffle would bake up nicely". For the most part each kid has one line and I think they will sing a few songs and it will all be followed by cookies and juice. Fun times. I'm sure I'll have pics. I can't wait.

I think KJ got constipated last week for the first time in his life becuase I am SO.FREAKING.SICK of him crapping in his diaper. So...I MADE him go half nekkid cause I knew he had to poop....but he would.not.poop. He would beg and cry for a diaper. Its quite the ordeal. Evidently he had a huge blowout Saturday at the babysitters. Bwaahaahaa. Oops. I do feel bad actually. So we are onto another week of potty training madness. I'll keep ya posted.

Rollercoasting...

Thats how I feel my week to week life is anyway. I just wish everyone in my family would understand that. And I fear that I am just not as able to swing my rhythms back and forth like I could 6 years ago when I started this crazy weekend work schedule. And to think that for a long time I was working full time (three 12hr shifts), and now its just two. But I'm likening my weekends to a trip to Cedar Point.

On Fridays I get all packed up- my stuff and the kids and take off to the amusement park. I drive all over Timbuktu to get there and then check in, drop the kids off at the childrens area (aka: babysitters) and hit the big rides (aka: ICU) for my self and my "family" (aka: co-workers). I spend ALL day on my feet, sweating, barely taking a break to pee, eating lots of junk food to keep myself going since I barely slept the night before and I'm surrounded by the sights and smells of tasty food (aka: the stupid chocolate, cookies, pizza, etc... that often grace our unit curtousy of co-workers and pt's families). I get nauseous, but I keep on trucking, trudging along for the thrill. My adrenaline constantly surging and then dropping, leaving me even more drained. My legs are achy and like rubber at the end of the day, but I still have to make it back to the hotel where I wait for my hubby to finally take responsibility for the kidlets so I can catch a few hours of sleep-like 5hrs tops. Then I wake up to deal with hyper, overtired kiddos who are eager to go have more fun too. So we set out for day #2 at the park. Luckily I don't have to deal with them while I'm at the amusement park (aka: work). So the cycle starts over and I repeat everything for a second day, only to come back home and maybe get only 2-4 hours of sleep before I'm expected to be up and ready for family activities on day three. Perhaps even a big family reunion or two where I have to seem happy and cheerful and deal with my children with grace and careful attention. I drink lots of caffeine to keep myself awake and going. I therefore cannot fall asleep that night even though my exciting vacation weekend is over. I spend the next next several days trying to unpack, do laundry and get back on schedule. I don't really see hubby cause he works and sleeps opposite my schedule so no one is there to help me. By about Thursday I'm almost finally on track. Whew.

Then Friday comes and we leave for Cedar Point again and it all starts over. This repeats 48 out of 52 weeks a year......

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas!!!

Well, it would be a bit more "merry" if I didn't have a sore throat, wasn't hacking up phlegm, and could actually yell at my kids to pick their toys talk above a whisper. Oh well. At least we are warm and have been snuggled in our jammies ALL day. Unfortunately the hubby had to work his normal 3-midnight schedule both yesterday and today. He was here to open gifts with the kids and make us brunch though, so that was good. Last night I braved a few family parties on my own with the kids. It started out with me getting totally wedged in the snow banks and deep snow at the end of our driveway. As I shoveled the wet, heavy snow, ready to pass out from lack of oxygen I was NOT saying Merry Christmas....OR I guess I was, but I was adding a few colorful words in the middle there. Don't worry the kids didn't hear. It was a bit of a late night but the kids at least slept till about 8:00am. Whew! The kids had lots o' fun opening and playing with their gifts all day. The house is a disaster, but who cares right? I need to go scrounge up something for dinner. Not exactly the fancy Christmas dinner most are having I'm sure. It will likely be some sort of chicken and pasta...something quick. Maybe even chicken nuggets and mac n' cheese. I have to get the pics off my camera, and then I'll have lots more to post, but the kidlets are hungry. Hope today has been warm and happy for all of you!! Happy Holidays!!!

Coniferous Erecti1e Dy$function...

This is a condition in which the coniferous has trouble staying "up", and suffers a loss of function. This disease/dysfunction may cause others around it to exhibit symptoms such as involuntary fits of laughter, swearing, and sweating. It has also been know to cause rashes of the arms and hands. Although the tree is not erect, it may still emit a clear sticky substance that may stain or cause irritation to others around it. With proper planning and attention, this condition can usually be avoided, however it is sometimes more prevalent when coexisting with cats and small children, and sometimes dumb men.







Whew, all done! And actually I added more garland and overall was happier with how it looked after the second "decorating" party with the kids. We pretty much had to start over. *rolls eyes*. Lets hope the stupid thing doesn't fall again!!!


Stay tuned for lots o' random tree and ornament pics and pics of the kidlets...I think I'll post them on my Photoblog.

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree....

So last night (Sunday) was the only afternoon/night of the week that DH would be home at the same time to take the kids out to get a tree. We did the whole fake vs. real debate again. For a few years we borrowed a gorgeous fake one from a good friend that took out of state contract jobs and wasn't using it. It was so full and real looking we were spoiled. Our kids want to know why Uncle Josh took "our" tree. Heehee...I had to rub this in to him. Last year we got a real one from a little corner lot set-up and it was cheap, but seriously, totally dead. Sooo....this year we went to a Tree Farm and cut our own down. I should say John did. I mostly stood around with the kids freezing, telling him to hurry up before the placed closed and we all froze to death. I learned that it took 12 YEARS to grow my tree. Hokey petes....I didn't realize it took that long. I guess other types take a little less time, like 6-7 years. But I will stop balking at forking out $40 for a good tree now. It smells wonderful too! And my dear hubby had a stoke of genious for getting the tree in the house...made possible by our new windows that actually open. Our picture window now can actually slide open. I was tickled to get the tree in without a trail of needles all the way though the house. So here are some pics of the tree picking and home bringing process.







Again you can see I did a lot of hard work to help with the tree....

John bought these obnoxiously huge LED lights (he didn't realize how big they were) for the tree. They look a little oversized, but they give a cool light show so its not all bad. We did more decorating today and I will have to take pics of the final product soon after we add tinsel and the angel.

Oh and a bonus pic of the "Sculptures" KJ drew/made for me a couple of weeks ago while I was at work and DH was in charge:



And finally I leave you with the only pic I've taken in the last three months where both kid are actually looking at the camera (and getting along).

Can I just say.....

That I totally cannot believe it is officially December already. Where the heck do the days go?!

5, 6, 7 o'clock, 8 o'clock Rock....

I'm wait'n to rock around the clock tonight. At work that is. Tis' been a pretty good night actually. Last night was Sloooow as molasses. But tonight I walked into a coding patient who sadly did not make it, but it was a rock'n sweet code with lots of fun stuff and since it was the change of shift there were lots of nurses and lots of new orientee's too...and just about all of them got to do compressions. There was lots of learning and cool stuff for them to see. Lines, transcutaneous then a transvenous pacer, Artic Sun, blah, blah blah. I'm sure you non medical types are completely lost here. Sorry. And truly, I don't mean to sound callous to the fact that someone died, it was quite sad actually, but it was such a good learning/teaching opportunity and honestly its hard to say if this person was even remotely revivable anyway....

Alrighty...just called off to trouble shoot a patient with low O2 levels... have started a handful of IV's and overall its been a nice steady paced night. Hope it stays that way! I'll try to come up with something else interesting to blog about when I get more time. Ciao for now....

Don't have much to post about....

So I thought it was time for another funny video clip from one of my favorite sites (fail-blog.com). I don't know why but I couldn't stop laughing at this so I thought I would share. Maybe its because I spent too many hours as a youngin' practicing my dance moves around the house and while I never had an experience *this* bad, I've lost my balance and looked a bit silly myself at times.

Holiday time!

All the holidays, so much fun (and perhaps confusion).

So tonight we went yet again, to our favorite little (actually NOT so little) place in town. The Gardens/Sculpture park I keep talking about. I feel like I need to just live there. My kids ask to go ALL the time and its just the best place. I've decided I really need to volunteer there so I feel like I can give back a little bit of everything the place does for our family. Maybe when KJ is finally in school or when DH gets a daytime shift and less crazy schedule. Or maybe in the summers when the kids are old enough to help out with projects there too. We'll see.

ANYway....Tonight was a special night of tree lighting...they have 40 trees/displays representing 40 different countries and cultures. They also had roaming Dickens Carolers, crafts for the kids to make and Santa Clause! I didn't even initially realize until a few days ago that Santa would be there. Last year we went closer to Christmas to see Santa....I believe the last day Santa would be there and it was wall-to-wall people and a LONG line to see Santa. Tonight was much more laid back, Santa was roaming around chatting with the kids- on a few different occasions. After the last time KJ was done chatting off the ear of his new found friend, he stated "You know, I really like his Halloween costume". It was SO freaking funny. My MIL took a little video of him and E talking to Santa, so I will have to get it from her and post it. Unfortunately we missed that last costume comment on video though.

I guess having just had Halloween not that long ago, planning for Thanksgiving and then adding Christmas celebrations into the mix is a little confusing for a 2.5yr old. LOL!!

We also met an adorable little girl and her mom there and I actually exchanged email/#'s with the mom before we left. The girl was a little older than KJ but both my kids loved her. KJ spent a good part of the night following her around and vice versa. Before we left KJ asked if he could give her a hug and then after he hugged her asked if he could give her a KISS! Heehee!! Uh-oh! At least he asked I guess, although we refrained on this first date/meet-up! ;)

A night in the life of an ICU nurse...

Well...a little bit of one anyway. I obviously can't take pics of my patients. But lately I've had my camera in the van for various reasons and when I get to work and I opt to bring it in rather than risk leaving it out in the cold, in the parking lot. Soooo I've had fun torturing my coworkers snapping pics mostly unsuspectingly a few times this month, but I've decided NOT to post those pics cause well...they might not like me for that, LOL. So, this post just got a whole more boring...sorry!


Here's about what time I start to get slap happy and loopy every night/morning! Just ask my friends.









Propofol...the nectar of the sleep gods, milk of amnesia, our favorite sedative. Just a wee little scene from my patients room.



















Pretty good vitals for an ICU pt.

Another update....

I've been delinquent in the updates on my step brother Mike, sorry. I forget who I've talked to and where I've said what, but I don't mean to leave out my on-line friends and RL friends who might check here.

Anyway!!! Your prayers and thoughts are working!!! Mike has been out of ICU for a few days now and on a regular oncology floor. He still has one chest tube in and had a weird but interesting issue with his body leaching "chyle" or basically all the fat absorbed from his intestines out of the chest tube. He is therefore on a strict non-fat diet and less than thrilled with his hospital food I would imagine...still making good steps in the right direction. Another small set back if you will is that he developed swelling and phlebitis like symptoms in the arm he received the chemo in. The Vascualar doc said today that it IS a blood clot, but supposedly superficial enough not to be a threat to the blood stream. Surgery would have been necessary otherwise. I'm praying for any swelling and pain to go away quickly. Poor guy doesn't need anything else to make him miserable. Although it sounds like he had a nice visit with some friends tonight/yesterday and I'm sure that was good medicine for the soul as well.

I still have not been down to visit. I'm not sure when that will happen now. We briefly talked about Thanksgiving as a possibility for me and all my sisters and family but no official plans yet. Right now his white counts are doing alright but will likely take dips after every chemo. As the mom to two kids with frequent runny noses (that are usually nothing, but sometimes something), it does make me a tad cautious to visit. So thats the news for now. Mike and my parents have expressed great gratitude over the many thoughts and prayers and I am so thankful as well! I'll try to keep up with posting the news as it comes. For now we're hoping for mundane but steady progress...no more big scary things like having organs shut down in ICU or anything like that!!

Kid-speak

Just wanting to jot down (and share) a few other things the kids say...KJ in particular that crack us up some to which we like to assign our own definitions to go with the mispronunciations.

"Punk-quins" - Adolescent penguins that show rebellious tendencies against the colony. (Pumpkins)

"Fing"- Kind of like the word "smurf" to the Smurfs -"let me smurf you up some smurf berries...mmm....very smurfy". (Used for swing, sing, thing,...he just seems to say this A LOT).

Tonight while talking about what we were doing at bedtime he declared emphatically "Just make up my mind!" *giggle*

Tonight I was showing E a picture I took using a slow shutter speed while she was running and she looked not only blurred but ghost-ish and she declared "Hey I look almost indivisible". Heehee...hey, I'm just glad she is actually learning the Pledge of Allegiance at school.

Oh I know there were more I was gonna put down here, but they are slipping my mind- the exact reason I want to record them!

A Quote from the little kidlet....

To serve as a reminder to watch what I say....

DH: Kaedon, PICK up your toys. Its time to pick up the living room.
Kaedon: I can't. (pause) Its just too freakin' weird.

I'm pretty sure I must have used that phrase (too freakin weird) earlier in the day on the phone. Hey its a lot better than actually throwing the "f" word out, but sounds a bit odd coming from the little mouth of a 2.5 year old. Although quite funny. He just needed an excuse that sounded important enough NOT to have to clean I guess.

Mike's Care Page...

Just in case anyone is checking in here and didn't get the email, or just plain wants to follow the updates on my Mike, my Dad just started a CarePage for him under "mikeinakron". He is still in need of lots of prayers. As of now he is on a ventilator (as of yesterday), has managed to get by without needing dialysis and hopefully won't, and just needs lots of rest and healing. Keep praying!

The latest with Mike....

I'm pretty much just re-pasting the email I've just sent out, so some of you may see this multiple times, sorry. (Just send another prayer each time you see it ;))

Hi all,

I may have mentioned to a few of you or you may have seen on my blog already that my stepbrother Mike was in ICU awaiting an official diagnosis of what they were pretty sure was Lymphoma. He is in Ohio so my Dad & step-mom have been down there for the past several days and will stay for a few more at least. Mike just turned 22 last week.

They received confirmation today that it is indeed non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. They determined it was an Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma, considered to be quite aggressive and he will start a combination chemotherapy right away tomorrow (Wednesday). He still has drains in place to both his pericardium (sac around the heart) and chest to drain the accumulating fluids that are occurring secondary to the lymphoma.

They said this first round of chemo could be pretty "dicey" as it has the possibility of shutting down and severely affecting all his organs. He will stay in ICU so they can watch him closely.

Obviously any good vibes, thoughts and prayers for Mike, especially the next few days would be really appreciated. We are a bit shaken to have cancer touch our family so close again. It comes a huge shock to all of us and this is a very scary time. Please, please, pray for Mike.

Thanks so much,

Nicole