Its Tuesday...

And day 5 of having no refrigerator, as it totally died last week. Well, I take that back...we have a walk in fridge attached to the kitchen....its called the garage! Its not too bad, but a bit of a hassle. We do have a chest freezer in the garage as well, so we have food, but we still had to toss a ton of stuff that was thawed in the fridge/freezer. We don't have a dime to spend on getting it repaired right now, let alone a new one, so I'm REALLY hoping that some tips DH's uncle gave me last night will do the trick to get it running. (Basically vacuuming out the compressor). Send me cold vibes for the fridge. For once I WANT it to stay cold outside and am thankful for the winter weather, LOL.

This past Sunday we had a family gathering with my moms side of the family- kind of a belated Christmas party but also a birthday party for my grandma. I didn't feel it at the time but since then its just really made me miss my mom. For some reason today I just REALLY miss her. One thing about my mom was that she had TONS of clothes....she loved to shop and saved everything, so seeing that me, my grandma, aunt and sisters are all close to the same size and my mom had a variety of sizes...we split quite a bit of clothing between all of us. Some of it was even brand new...with tags. Yeah....she loved to shop and had nice stuff too! So by coincidence we ALL (me, sisters, aunt, g-ma) were wearing something of my moms at the party. We definitely didn't plan it, but it was kind of funny when we realized. Sort of made it feel like she was there somehow.

Elise is going to be FIVE in two weeks (the 30th)!! I can't believe she is that old already! I'm frustrated though, because I can't figure out when to have a party for her and its so close already. I wish I had the $$ to have a big party with her class, but I just don't. The problem is that my nephew's birthday is two days before hers and his party is Sunday. We could do a combined party with all BIL's family there, but I don't know if that would be too weird or not. We know them and all, but I can't decide. The following Sunday is Super Bowl so that was sort of declined too. I suck at planning parties.

KJ is such a little man already. He talks SO much. Just now he was asking "Mama pay hockey-me" (play hockey with me). Which consisted of using a toy hammer for the stick and a pretend nut for the puck. Its sort of golf-hockey. The boy got FOUR different toy tool sets for Christmas. Oiy! He is getting a stubborn side which I don't like but otherwise he is very sweet, almost always happy and eager to hug and cuddle and even says please and thank you! Seriously he's the perfect little boy (I'm sure I'm biased though). I need to get some pictures off my camera to share, I've been a slacker at that too lately. Ok...off to find lunch and try to motivate myself to get some housework done.

Happy Mothers Day.....

Perhaps its strange but I have had a harder time this year than last with feeling emotional about my mom. Even though last year was the first Mothers Day without her, I think I was still in a bit of a hormonal glow after having KJ and maybe just knew I wasn't in a "good place" to have a melt down. I dunno.

But anyhow.....I REALLY, REALLY miss ya mom. Its just NOT fair you are gone. I'm so glad I have been blessed with the opportunity to be a mom myself. Everyday I am struck even more with how great a mother you were when I realize the amount of patience, love and understanding you had for each of us. I wish I could measure up to that. And I wish even more you were here to help me be that mom for my kids. Oh I wish you could see the kids!!! I know you'd be proud.

This was two years ago...the last Mothers Day I had with her.... Pardon the fact that I look like total crap. I had worked the night before but my mom was leaving town and I insisted that I get some pictures that day with her and with Miss E so I got up, threw on clothes and went out for pictures ...(they are a bit fuzzy cause I cropped and enlarged them)...

Feelin' Hot, hot, hot...

No, not me in any fun ways unfortunately. Quite the contrary. Mr KJ had his first fever this past week. At least his first real "other than mildly elevated temp from teething" type thing accompanied by a horribly runny nose and now a horrid cough to go with it. He sounds so pitiful, but all in all his spirits remain good (most of the time). His poor little face is all chapped in painful looking red patches where the combo of drool, snot, and constant wiping with Kleenex and clothes has taken its toll.

We had our family thanksgiving this past Sunday (yesterday). It was actually the first anniversary of my moms death. Sooo my moms side of the family and my siblings figured it would be good and special to all be together on that day, and what better excuse than to have Thanksgiving. It was actually quite a nice day. I woke up to the smiling face of my babe and my heart melted before I even processed what the day was. He's such a cute munchkin! Really, I think I felt much worse anticipating the day, than how I actually felt ON the day. It did bring back some gut churning memories of that day last year, but we actually had a nice time with the immediate family (just my moms brothers, sister, and mom). AND my hubby = the cook/chef in this household, did the honors of making the turkey. We received a 30+ lb turkey fresh from the turkey-farm, from one of his music students and DH went all out brining, smoking and then baking it to perfection. Thank you Food Network. We returned home, had the kids in bed by 8:15, and were able to watch a movie. It was nearly a miracle.

Tonight I've given KJ his first dose of medicine other than Tylenol or his Zantac. I called the Dr's office today and they gave me the "ok" for Robitussin DM and gave me the infant doses. I'm hoping it will help settle his cough and let him sleep a bit better. He's still in my lap and so far he's mostly peaceful. We'll see what transpires throughout the night!

I Miss my Mom!

Sorry to post sad things. However, I guess I feel I owe it to my mom to be sort of reverent and honoring of her on her special day, whether she is here or not. Today would have been her 52nd Birthday. Its the first year that she is not here on her Birthday. By this time last year she was quite sick and almost immobile. We wanted to take her to Applebees for lunch but she wasn't up to it, so we ordered out and my Aunt and Grandma joined my two sisters, myself and of course my mom at her house. Later that night my sister decked the kitchen and dining area out in

Christmas lights and lots of balloons (it really did look magical) and we had a bittersweet birthday knowing it would be her last. I typed out "celebration" and then erased it because it was so hard, we couldn't really celebrate. So today is just a hum-drum day at home. I don't really know what to do with myself. Like I keep wondering if I should be doing more to honor my mom, then I feel guilty for not having something "more" planned, I wonder if I should be feeling more emotion than what I do. Quite honestly I just sort of feel numb. Even now, I just still can't quite fathom that she is really truly gone. I think being pregnant and having a child all in the midst of her diagnosis, death and this first year without her, has made things go by much quicker. I haven't had as much time to dwell on the lack of her presence. And as soon as I do start feeling emotional and reminiscent, one of the kids usually starts fussing or on good days they get me laughing and smiling. Who can't smile back in the face of a toothless giggling baby. I count it as a measure of Gods grace to help me through the sadness. Even though being pregnant while she was dying was difficult, I couldn't help but feel this indescribable blessing that in the face of death and misery, there was new life and hope. Sorry for the kind of ramble here (rambling is my specialty). Here's a pic of me, her and Miss SP on Mothers Day 2005 (just shortly after she was diagnosed with Lung Cancer):

Happy Birthday Mom!! Love ya!

Embarking on a Journey....

It may not appear to be quite a "journey" in the physical, tangible sense, but for me the little mini-vacation I'm about to take is going to be a mental and emotional journey.

You see on Wednesday my little family is traveling up north to stay in The Cabins we have been blessed to visit nearly every year since I was a wee child myself. I have so many wonderful, strong, vivid, heartwarming, nostalgic memories of our time at The Cabins. My whole family just calls them The Cabins and we all know WHICH cabins we speak of. The thought of the cabins is soothing, comforting and comfortable like sipping on a rich dark coffee on a cold rainy day. However this year will be different. You see the last time we were at The Cabins exactly one year ago, my mom was there. That was approx. seven weeks before she died. It was the last trip and happy "experience" we had with my mom. It was incredibly bittersweet because we knew she was dying of cancer but we were still holding hope she would last so much longer than she did. Both my sisters were there and we were able to spend some quality time with my mom, moments we will never forget. Every night we held a birthday party for her since we knew she would "miss a few". It was so hard and so good at the same time.

I was ~27 weeks pregnant with KJ and my sister was about 32 wks. pg as well. Our youngest sister was just getting engaged to her highschool sweetheart. Bittersweet, bittersweet times. They still are really.

It will be so hard, yet perhaps comforting to be there, remembering, not only last year but the past 25+ years that we've been going up there. Where once my parents took us, we also take our own children, hoping to relive and recreate the memories that have molded and impressed upon us so much about life and nature. I look forward to grieving, as strange as that sounds, but I think it will be good grieving (is that possible?). I haven't even been to the cemetary since she died, just can't bring myself. But also I don't feel much sense of her spirit there. At The Cabins, I know I will feel her spirit and embrace her memory a bit. I'm a tad anxious about that, not know quite what to expect from myself. I guess we will see.


I DO expect some fun times with my kids and family and lots of great pictures!! I LOVE taking pictures as you will soon learn. Its B-Utiful up there and hopefully the trees will be turning colors and the apples will be ready for pickin'. As for now I MUST make myself get some sleep so I can plan and pack tomorrow (today now).