Thursday, November 02, 2006

I Miss my Mom!

Sorry to post sad things. However, I guess I feel I owe it to my mom to be sort of reverent and honoring of her on her special day, whether she is here or not. Today would have been her 52nd Birthday. Its the first year that she is not here on her Birthday. By this time last year she was quite sick and almost immobile. We wanted to take her to Applebees for lunch but she wasn't up to it, so we ordered out and my Aunt and Grandma joined my two sisters, myself and of course my mom at her house. Later that night my sister decked the kitchen and dining area out in

Christmas lights and lots of balloons (it really did look magical) and we had a bittersweet birthday knowing it would be her last. I typed out "celebration" and then erased it because it was so hard, we couldn't really celebrate. So today is just a hum-drum day at home. I don't really know what to do with myself. Like I keep wondering if I should be doing more to honor my mom, then I feel guilty for not having something "more" planned, I wonder if I should be feeling more emotion than what I do. Quite honestly I just sort of feel numb. Even now, I just still can't quite fathom that she is really truly gone. I think being pregnant and having a child all in the midst of her diagnosis, death and this first year without her, has made things go by much quicker. I haven't had as much time to dwell on the lack of her presence. And as soon as I do start feeling emotional and reminiscent, one of the kids usually starts fussing or on good days they get me laughing and smiling. Who can't smile back in the face of a toothless giggling baby. I count it as a measure of Gods grace to help me through the sadness. Even though being pregnant while she was dying was difficult, I couldn't help but feel this indescribable blessing that in the face of death and misery, there was new life and hope. Sorry for the kind of ramble here (rambling is my specialty). Here's a pic of me, her and Miss SP on Mothers Day 2005 (just shortly after she was diagnosed with Lung Cancer):

Happy Birthday Mom!! Love ya!


Kristin said...

Ahh...yes, these days will be hard for quite some time. I think you are reacting exactly as you should.

Just for a little irony (nov. 2) happens to be the day that my dad passed away 8 years ago. Although not as 'fresh' for me, I have been thinking alot about him and that particular day today as well.

I think we are probably having a similar type day. Thank God for our kids!!!

Tiffany said...

Hi Nicole, thank you for sharing your feelings on paper and allowing your friends in during your sad time. I think of you quite often as I'm close to my mother & losing her so quickly would be devastating beyond words. I can't imagine the feelings that you experience nor can I say that I know what you are going through. I just wanted you to know that I care and I wish that there was more that I could do as your friend. And like you & Kristin said, thank goodness for our kids...they help keep our minds full and off of dwelling on the bad things. (((HUGS)))

Jenny said...

Hey, when I read this I got really sad for you. It is soooo hard losing a parent. I just wanted to reach through the internet and give you a big hug. When we lost Dad, it was the HARDEST thing in the world. So hearing all your memories of your Mom brought it back fresh for me. I just want to let you know that you are not alone in your sorrow. Hugs, girl!