My heart hurts....

Its just so heavy right now and I feel like I'm loosing hope in anything and everything these days. There is just so much going on in my life and at work, my head in is a whirlwind.

As I've posted about before, my step-brother Mike is awaiting final word on Monday as to whether he will go through with a stem cell transplant that was planned for the beginning of March. This next week he is scheduled to get plasma apheresis (kind of like dialysis) everyday to harvest his own cells that would be treated with a bit of chemo and then given back to him. However, he has had more symptoms and evidence that the chemo he has been recieving (even the SUPER high doses) have not been working enough to make the stem cell transplant possible or a viable option. If this is true...well....I don't want to even go there, but there are very limited to no options left. I'm sick thinking about it. I want so badly to feel hopeful and optimistic, and I try, but I'm just so afraid. I feel like I'm on the verge of loosing my mind.

THEN...yesterday (Saturday) afternoon I went to pick up the kids from the babysitter and she had just gotten a phone call as I walked in the door. I could immediately tell it was NOT good news and could tell she was talking to Marni, the mom of two other little kids that she watches in her home daycare. We overlap times a bit with this family and in fact they, or rather the husband Josh had called me about a year ago to check refereces for the sitter. He was usually the one to pick up and drop off the young boys (ages 2 and 1). Well yesterday morning he suddenly died. DIED!! He had a history of cancer that he was still recieving some treatments for, but was totally functional, working, and otherwise quite healthy. I don't know any of the details, but I cannot stop thinking about it. It is awful, and I feel so bad for the poor little kids who were so well cared for and loved by their daddy. And for my sitter....I left her sobbing, and then her son started sobbing. If you could pray for Marni, Gabe and Jacob and their family/friends, I know they could use it.

So anyway, I'm just so sick of cancer, and people dying right now, I can't take anymore!! In a few days its the anniversary of my friend Sue's death ( and I've been thinking a lot about her lately too. So thats my depressing sad post for today. Virtual hugs will be gladly accepted ;).